I haven’t had the want to write much lately, yet it’s a form of catharsis I probably have somewhat taken away from myself as a form of laziness, which is just silly. It’s these particular times in life where writing thoughts is probably the right thing to do for myself as I hit continuous brick walls of frustration due to impatience and constantly analysing my entire upbringing and life until now and comparing where I am at now to the typical around me.
Taking myself seriously is one thing i’m trying to learn, for as long as I can remember I have believed that I was someone else, I have had parts of me negatively critiqed for so long that it became who I am and now i’m beginning to have a grasp that everyone who has ever made me believe what I was are actually wrong. Though I know I have always shown aspects of me truly, I have always kept it locked away because it wasn’t accepted and as i’m starting to bring out the inner me, it causes a lot of conflict internally due to it being such a radical change, which means that I am feeling confusion, distrust and a lack of taking myself serously.
It’s these steps in life I know a lot of us have to take in order to understand ourselves, i’m taking a long time to do it and see myself falling behind in the climbing ladder of life, yet I know that the ladder i’m looking at is only one that is created for us to climb and i’m spending too much time standing at the base, wanting to go up because I feel I should. Yet there’s another ladder, standing right next to it, it’s longer, older and I can’t see where it ends, but it intrigues me and now i’m inbetween both, either being too scared, or thinking far too much about where each will take me.
I know there’s true happiness in life following what is only natural within you, yet it takes a lot of strength and will to do such and i’m honestly scared. I’ve made a lot of progress and I know i’ve answered a lot of questions for myself that I now need to nurture what needs to be, instead of what is thought to be best for me.
I never proof read these things, I don’t like to re-read these random bursts, once it’s out. it’s out.